Thursday, March 31, 2005

so, yesterday was mama's 40th birthday, well not really her 40th but she looked like 40....and tomorrow's gonna be ita's 21st...

to my dear cousin ita,HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!!!!,go out...jgn dok lagi depan buku and notes yang kat dinding tu, u need a day out for yourself...have fun!

as for me, i'm still alive...here on earth.
feeling a bit down for sumtime and i weep sumtimes, ntahlah labu...apa nak jadi ngan aku pun aku tak tau...aside of becoming graphic designer lah...huhuhuh...lawak ker? macam tak lawak jek..anyways,today.. me and him were okay.he made stupid jokes about me and burn and i was like senyum jek..nak buat aper lagi?malas nak layan.
i dunno,if i have to describe how i really really felt about these, it's gonna be 3 pages long and u guys would puke after that.the simple phrase is, i'm a bit confused and torn about us, i refuse to ask him directly cause it would make me look stupid in front of him plus, he owes me an explanation.so.there.

would i stop talking about me and him in the next post? the answer is i dunno...and i dun wanna know.maybe i might stop after i felt really tired about it or maybe not.maybe i'm just gonna jot down everything.

stop it.you hurting me.


Sunday, March 27, 2005



Went to work yesterday and I came in at 10am when I said to them I would only come at 2pm. Well, I got to go back early from nikki's sports day. I was just glad to see Ben smiling at me as he saw me walking towards him,"kata datang pukul dua?" he said, grinning."laa, belum pukul dua ker? Kiter ingatkan dah pukul dua"I replied jokingly. And I sat at abang CY's place, right next to him. And we talked again like we haven't met for a long time. We talked about things and stuffs, music, guitar strings, all that interest us the most. He sat really really close to me when I told him the questionnaire and the computer spec got problem...of course, I acted cool! Around 2 or so, we went to berjaya times square to buy his guitar string...UNFORTUNATELY, a friend of ours whom we called pakcik, followed too..sibuk jek pakcik tu..and trailed to bukit bintang to buy ps2...then, we went back to the office...it was raining and I was too lazy to open my umbrella which I already kept in my bag and I shared the umbrella with him...we took the cab and he asked pakcik to sit in front. He told us at the office that he' planning to record an underground album with pakcik's brother's band...punk music...the lyric is already ready...and he said he would write the thank you note in the in-lay starting with "bersyukur kehadrat allah swt" and I added, "kepada ibubapa yang memberi galakan" and he added, "kawan-kawan" and I said, "kawan-kawan di TNS, terutamanya..." and he continued, "terutama kepada sweetheart ku, harim", awww...anyways, he's a sweet talker.can't really trust what he says.

Ciao!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

I thought I'm gonna be okay by excepting the offer but I was a bit reluctant to accept the offer from MMU...I always been dreaming to study mass communication ever since I was 15 years old...unfortunately, that dream shattered just like that. My applications to UITM were rejected for 3 times. The first time was in 2000, the second was in 2001, and the third was in 2004. MMU offer letter arrived earlier than I expected, and the dateline for paying the registration fees was this very last Monday. They didn't give me much time, I had about 5 days to settle things if I accepted the offer. Deep down in my heart, I was still hoping that I got the offer from UITM. So, as I made the payment at BCB, I was still in daze, whether is this what I want to do...but I kept on filling in the form and took the waiting number and went to the counter when the number was up and made the payment. Cma consoled me...she's a good talker. She talked some sense in me and I agreed. As we went out from the bank, she said, "Sekarang, termaktublah yang kau tu student MMU". And I'm glad.

Friday, March 18, 2005

i've been working and working through out the week...i even ignore my fever...maybe because i wanna see him.BUT, what he did? he was just being an inconsiderate, arrogant person one could ever be...i wouldn't have this feeling if he didn't start all of these things at the first place.today, we didn't really talk.i looked at him as he past by me and he smiled.it's really weird now...it really is..i just don't understand,about 3 weeks ago he asked me out and kept on asking when would we go out and all after that,but still, we didn't really went out.instead, i've been spending my time with zaid, abang zam and abang cy....we had great fun.and he's not around.we went to bowling, he's not there, afterward, we went to karaoke, i sang, i laughed, i had a blast of time, but still, he wasn't there.and now i'm confuse.
which reminds me of a song i used to know...
i wonder how,i wonder why, yesterday you told me about the blue blue sky, and all that i can see, is just a yellow lemon tree,i'm turning my head, up and down, i'm turning turning turning turning turning around, and all that i can see, is just a yellow lemon tree...something like that.
i have this guts in me, telling me to walk up at him and slap his face.

in the meantime, finally people, finally, i got the offer.will started my class in june.MMU-Faculty of Creative Multimedia,Innovative Media- Degree (Hons).i didn't really believe it at first, but i've already settled the bank draft and all, and now, its confirm...i'm going...i'm gonna be an MMU student..wuuuuhuuuuu!!!!
no one knows at the office, except for cma and abang zam...i'm not telling anyone else.it's gonna be a surprise for them, especially him.
padan muka.
i will only tell them a week before that.

sam told some stupid joke..which was so funny that i laughed out loud...it's about sex or sumthing...and i noticed that i really attached to zaid and abang zam...we were like laughing and laughing and make pranks on each other..i dunno, i guess i'm gonna miss them the most when i'm gone.

so, as i said, everything's gonna change...it's just a matter of time.trust me.

*besok kerja.....mencari duit yang halal...hihihii

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Last night I cried to sleep.mama left my pink tumbler at the clinic.i felt so sad cause I couldn't see my tumbler anymore…I bring her to office everyday without failed.it's my pink tumbler...…I drank from it everyday, 24/7….it's really disturbing, now that I have to replace her with something else. I feel so ridged.
PMS does not help me at all, making me even worse. I've had enough with someone that I really dun wanna mention name here. I know, it was just a small matter and it's not his fault really, but I don't care…so, what I did yesterday was, I said no word to him, maybe just the basic like "hmmm", "nope" and "owh". Suit him right.

Anyway, I've gave kak maziah the clothes for charity last Monday. At first I wanted to give it away to the rumah bakti, but I've been delaying things at that time, so when I heard kak maziah going to visit those unfortunate kids in johor, I asked for her favor. And I felt like so generous that I've donated my blood the next day. It was okay….didn't hurt…at all, the needle was okay. You know when people says negative things about donating blood, well, don't trust them 100% until you've experienced it yourself. Abang said so many negative things that one of it was some of the needle being use contain HIV blood. Isn't it ridiculous? All the tools, the items being used along the procedure are clean and new. Fresh from the pack. After they used them on donaters, they'll throw it away…in the dustbin. And I heard some said it will hurt you a lot and yadda yadda yadda….my advice is just, if you feel okay to donate your blood, then go ahead, a soul might be saved because of your blood. Btw, mine is AB type.the rare and selfish one…and so the nurses said…hihihihhi….

Alumni dinner was okay. Boring, here and there, you know, formal event, and simple. Zulfaqar graduated the same night…and I saw him. I told myself it's now or never…hmmm, how many times I've told that to myself everytime I saw him at college. But this time around, I really went up to him and say "hey,its me, harim" and he went,"owh, yeah…how are you, what you're doing here, who you come with" and all. I know, I couldn't even believe my achievement! It was so easy…he was okay, I guess.

So, I'm gonna be a busy bee through out the weekend.
Friday: dinner date with those guys at the office
Saturday: bowling with those guys at the office
Sunday: open day at mmu and sunway and amir muhamad movie show at actor's studio bangsar.


the AB blood

tak sakit

*doddle board mimang tak bule pakai ke ita?
susahlah...

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Had a talk with abang this morning.over breakfast..at the island table.he talk some sense into me...sometimes he does talk sense and sometimes he can be REALLY annoying. It was about the mara loan that I couldn't get for mmu...mara has stop its loan for mmu.and I really felt devastated.not that my dad couldn't afford it but knowing him as my dad for 21 years, I know it's gonna be hard.
I'm glad that I did some back up application but I can't just hold on to it too...I have to think the worst that might come. If I do apply graphic and multimedia at uniten, the fees gonna be no lesser than mmu...with no mara loan...ptptn loan is always there but still I have to ask if they do supply loan for my course.limkokwing has mara but, you know...limkokwing...the semester fees is like paying deposit for a gti satria.if I ever get to go to limkokwing, I'd be more than thrill.

Anyways, the talk we had...abang suggest that I could do part time for degree at Open University.TNS (the company I work with) is going to open vacancies at the panel department and they much invited those who have working experience there (part/full time) to apply...then, they would consider outsiders.at the moment, everything falls perfectly for me if I got the job and do part time for degree...plus, open university is just a 2 minutes walk from Menara TA One,located at Angkasaraya, just at the other corner of Menara TA One...and besides, I wouldn't have to miss ben much...hihihihihi...

So, by 4 years time, I get to save some money for a house deposit for mama (cewah!), and some for a car, and obtain a degree.

Make sense, right?
And still, it's just a backup plan.
uh, and you know what's going to happen tonight??my alumni dinner!better be worth that 50 bucks.

and the fact that i had to tutor nikki with his exam this afternoon,i couldn't make it to hard rock to see seven collar t-shirt and love me butch perform...sadly to say, i'm gonna missed to see a band called KLPHQ perform..i watched them at latte@8, they were awesome.



*mama and babah balik kampung...makcik mama is dying.
cancer.


**what's with the doodleboard??

Friday, March 04, 2005

you know wat they say about goverment people; malas, tak buat kerja, etc - are true. that makcik at receiptionist counter at mara proved it all. all kak lup did was just asked that makcik about the procedure to continue her loan...that makcik didn't even looked at kak lup when she talked,she was so rude that she actually got angry when we insist to see the officer in charge of cyberbetics.

"saper pegang cybernetics?? budak-budak ni, nak jugak jumper...orang dah cakap tak ada loan, nak jumper jugak" that's what she said, out loud. i was about to smash her head with my words when i decided not to. why she has to be that mean?and so arrogant like she owned mara or something.

too bad that mara didn't cover ipta,uniten and mmu student anymore.
i'm not thinking about it anymore.
cause it's making me feel unhappy.

i wanna talk about something else.

i'm too concern about what other people might think about me.
what would they said if i changed completely,physical.because of that, i wouldn't dare to do anything without thinking of what other people around me would say, and it effects the way i make my decision, the way i put things together and even the way i tell things to you guys.
but to my surprise, i've got one of it solved, recently...precisely last night.
it was about me and ben....yup, that girl i kept telling you guys about...the girl that ben had crush on, that ben kept on flirting with, that ben just asked her out...that girl was me.
u see, i accidently gave my blog add to one of my office mate, and i afraid that if i write that girl was me, he probably would read it and tell other people in the office about it, and those people would tell my maksu about it and my maksu would think something else. if i haven't mention it yet, i worked at my maksu's office...and ben is like one of her friend, but not exactly friend lah cause he called her kak shue and sometimes maksu (since i worked there)and they don't really talked like maksu talk to kak nelly or peng kong, or like she talked to abang bob...there you go...its complicated but you would understand eventually.so, as things go smoothly with me and ben, but still i concerned about maksu knowing everything, nanim told me last night that ben actually went to maksu first to ask for her permission to take me out.so, maksu knows already, and ben actually done me a favour.
yesterday, he called.
and we talked.nuthing much.
he kept on calling me sayang and all and i just giggled.
i dunno,i feel like all the abang-abang at the office knew.maybe ben told them that he likes me.or maybe he told them about me.obviously, abang zam and zaid knew.but abang syuk? the other day, he talked to me about ben over lunch.cma was there too, but no, he didn't look right into cma's eyes.he looked right into mine and said,"ben tu baik orangnya"
and he kept on telling me about ben's family,about ben this, about ben that...it was all about ben during lunch that day.it was weird.the weirdest lunch i ever had.

i still think that i'm neurotic about this thing, because i didn't make spaces in between the paragraph above...that way, you guys would feel it's long to read and woudn't even read it.i'm just concerns.

anyway, been spending my money like water for this week only and i dun like that.i had to pay 50 bucks for the alumni dinner which i really wanna go, and another 30 bucks for uniten application form, and this morning, i had to pay 50 bucks for replacing my damage ic.well, i did it on purpose though.i dun like the picture on my ic, it makes me look like i have 5 kids or something,so, i decided to do things to get it replace, to my concerns i wouldn't have to pay anything for replacing but that makcik at the jpn counter was like,"50 ringgit" and i almost cholked when i heard that.

*no picture for this post.sowiee....

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I've finished reading the bell jar by Sylvia Plath, eventually. I remember cma told me the other day that she has seen me bringing the book to the office ever since she started work there...and that was about 6 or 8 months ago. Nanim would just finish a book in a week...sometime it only took her a day or two. My reason was, I was busy with work and all which required my energy and by the time I reached home, I went straight to bed...or sometimes, when I just have a good position to read the book, my eyes would always felt sleepy...where I only managed to finish a page, or maybe half page. So, with the ending of the bell jar, which I found really good, I am now has started on this book entitled, Otherwise Engaged (Suzanne Finnamore)...so far so good.

Jalan cerita yang bersahaja.

And finally, Ben had make his move...finally people, finally...thank heaven...he asked her out, on a movie, probably for tomorrow's show. She said he looked so adorable when he asked her...she didn't say yes right away, "it's against the rules", she said...after he asked her for the 10th times, she said okay.i have a good reason on why i kept on telling you guys about ben and her....if everything's okay,i'm gonna let you know why...it's just a matter of time.trust me.

Anyways, last night, as Nanim and I were having our sister to sister chat in our room, mama told us to turn off the light as its getting late...and so, Nanim started to do something stupid and funny, she used her hand phone light instead. And we talked in the dark with our hand phones light, lighting a quarter part of our face...



:i'm sensitive and i like to stay that way:

*i've just included the photo from pakcik ariffin's funeral,
post dated sunday,january 30,2005